Follow @robfee on Twitter.
On average, I would say my dog is staring directly at me 23 hours and 54 minutes a day.
— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) August 26, 2016
when u do not view yr fears as a trap which restrains u but as a vehicle which u must use to navigate the world pic.twitter.com/x2YgNvYOfM
— dalton (dī(ə)l tōn) (@lilghosthands) February 16, 2016
dudes make fun of girls for liking pumpkin spice, uggs and the kardashians as if craft beer, cargo shorts and fantasy football are real cool
— ktkins (@voldemortsbicep) August 25, 2016
Mary Todd Lincoln: what are you wearing for your gettysburg whatchamacallit
Abe Lincoln: *address
MTL: do u want to borrow one of mine— FRO VO (@fro_vo) August 27, 2016
friend: how are things?
me: things are good!
narrator: things were not good
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 25, 2016
Kids your mother and I are getting a puppy. Whoops I mean divorce. There was a puppy on the TV so I accidentally said puppy sorry about that
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) October 10, 2015
you’re welcome pic.twitter.com/bZlhHV5VUz
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 25, 2016
kindergarten➡️senior year🎓😜 pic.twitter.com/0Fas5FGuaq
— tyra (@TyraaHuntt) August 23, 2016
If I’m ever choking in a restaurant please don’t draw everyone’s attention to me, just let me die in peace
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 28, 2016
Follow your roommate on Twitter pic.twitter.com/oFzx4JuwMU
— #VinceStaplesHive (@NathanZed) August 22, 2016
Good to see Rolling Stone still has the reporter who yells, “WHAT A SCOOP!” on their payroll. pic.twitter.com/4PI2Gjw7PJ
— Scott Bromley (@Scott_Bromley) August 28, 2016
Sometimes I wonder why I wasn’t popular in school but then I remembered this was how I settled arguments. pic.twitter.com/8LMtU4Ulx1
— Tovah Silbermann (@Milbermann) August 27, 2016
it took 37 yrs but I just chopped jalapenos without forgetting and touching my eyes so I think my soul’s achieved its purpose for this life
— (((maura quint))) (@behindyourback) August 27, 2016
Roses are red
Bugs make me itch pic.twitter.com/c07u5erFAV— dildo hoe (@wtfjxrge) August 24, 2016
“an oddly specific number” pic.twitter.com/m3J2w4h7gA
— Shen Ye (@shen) August 24, 2016
If a stranger catches you taking their photo, let them know it’s okay by softly saying, “Don’t worry, this is just for me”
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) August 27, 2016
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 27, 2016
Colin Kaepernick ruined the sanctity of the anthem before a preseason NFL game at Levi’s Stadium. Levi’s: The Official Jeans of the 49ers.
— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) August 27, 2016
me: I would never be a vegan
crush: I love being a vegan
me: pic.twitter.com/0hX1OF95id— satan’s babyboy🌹 (@finnajayjay) July 3, 2016
Good news everyone pic.twitter.com/BTCpmTHd2g
— Jeffrey Rowland (@wigu) August 27, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.