Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Google search history: Mom and dad wrestling Wrestling moves Is John Cena my dad How to deal with bad news
– Stevie Nips (@StevieKnip) February 15, 2015
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?” Yes, son. Love is terrible. “No Mom, I said LAVA.” Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
– Jenny Pentland (@JennyPentland) February 16, 2015
It should be illegal to like anything on any social media account if you have unanswered texts.
– desi (@DesiJed) February 20, 2015
[career day] I’m a fire fighter, kids. What’s our job? “PUT OUT FIRES” But some fires u just can’t put out. *hands out mixtape*
– Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) February 12, 2015
fav scene from 50 shades of grey 😍👌💦 pic.twitter.com/D6YJunfu6q
– brian Griffin (@HeelyRiddler) February 10, 2015
Her: I can’t use public bathrooms, it’s just like so gross Me: what’s it like to care about anything
– audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 20, 2015
[grabs Walmart intercom] IF DIGIORNOS ISNT DELIVERY THEN HOW IS IT DELIVERED TO THE STOREjQuery19108577458654998545_1424737286175 *fighting noises* DELIVER US THE TRUTH
– Trent (@trentistweeting) February 6, 2015
Spent all morning trying to guess Benedict Cumberbatch’s middle name pic.twitter.com/o0Z9ChrgZR
– Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) February 22, 2015
Just picked up the Fifty Shade of Grey sequel. Difficult to follow so far. pic.twitter.com/JHDHpFImjt
– hrtbps (@hrtbps) February 21, 2015
I’m sorry if I accidentally fav your photos from a year ago. it’s actually because I was intentionally looking at them because I love you
– richard ass (@cutedingus) February 4, 2015
It’s ok Boyhood. I’ll spend the next twelve years trying to pay off my student loans and only have a piece of paper to show for it.
– Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) February 23, 2015
don’t ride a motorcycle that’s dangerous. walk it on a leash. 0 people who drag their motorcycles on leashes fell off of them this year
– tara shoe (@tarashoe) February 22, 2015
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money” i wont [calls wife back] will 2 sharks fit in our pool? “NO” ok [to salesman] one shark pls
– k e e t (@KeetPotato) February 17, 2015
Steps to survive on a dessert island: 1. check spelling 2. if correct, enjoy
– Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 4, 2015
Son, there’s only one thing in life to fear. [Car full of bears with machine guns drives by] Son, there are only two things in life to fear.
– Rone Man (@theroneman) February 1, 2015
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-” SHE THOUGHT GANDALF & DUMBLEDORE WERE THE SAME PERSON *priest vomits*
– Matt (@matt___nelson) December 21, 2014
Funny how when I was a kid all I wanted was to be an adult, but now that I’m grown up all I want to do is lay face down on the carpet
– shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) February 23, 2015
um ok, sure pic.twitter.com/cMlxGpRLvA
– Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 22, 2015
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the person whose name I’ve forgotten.
– Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) February 18, 2015
[couple tossing baby back and forth] [music stops] judge: custody granted dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
– Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) February 22, 2015
Even more incredibly funny tweets can be found right here.