Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
The PEZ Dispenser is my favorite way to enjoy candy from a decapitated neck stump
– Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) February 25, 2015
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped “stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name” oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
– chuuch (@ch000ch) March 4, 2015
How come there’s an international women’s day but TGI Fridays won’t acknowledge my iguana’s birthday
– Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) March 8, 2015
Congrats, you got the job, welcome to the firm. Any questions? WHY IS IT ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS ALVIN IS A CHIPMUNK SO IT SHOULD BE DAVE A
– Ian Maxtone-Graham (@ianhmg) February 5, 2015
“All the major tragedies still happened. What exactly did you do when you went back in time?” ME [listening to new 2Pac album]: Nothing
– Ristolable (@Ristolable) March 8, 2015
*gets back into time machine* uh guys I accidentally left my book “I’m sure it’s no big deal” pic.twitter.com/puebATOVxI
– Dave Ditell sucks!! (@davedittell) February 8, 2015
Giving myself a clay mask facial and my children didn’t recognize me so the removal time just went from 10 minutes to never.
– Manda Likewine (@Manda_like_wine) March 5, 2015
MY BODY, MY CHOICE pic.twitter.com/wZZE72phgD
– Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) March 5, 2015
If men get to keep enjoying this beard craze I demand a comeback for women’s armpit hair
– Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) March 2, 2015
[last 2 people on earth] “I know ur not attracted to me, but it’s up to us to repopulate the earth.” We’re both dudes. “Let’s at least try.”
– Dan O’Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) March 6, 2015
Mom tries to use voice activation while she listens to Nicki Minaj pic.twitter.com/x1kQIWfumg
– coolgal518 (@quintywinties) March 3, 2015
If #HouseOfCards has taught me anything, it’s that in DC, anyone you encounter in any capacity will later have sex with you, then betray you
– Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) March 8, 2015
Left my mixtape in my pocket when I did laundry again pic.twitter.com/yLnoqfWI86
– Yael (@elle91) March 7, 2015
Tupac was “murdered” just before the first Harry Potter book showed up. Coincidence? He told us for years about “My ambitions as a writer.”
– Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) March 6, 2015
There’s a dark circle of birdwatchers that systematically watch one bird until that bird is driven insane.
– Ceej (@ceejoyner) March 4, 2015
*walks up to Empire State Building front desk secretary* “So how long did it take to repair the damage after the King Kong incident?”
– Tyler Rigdon (@CaptainCoooool) March 8, 2015
I counted at Home Depot and there are only 43 shades of gray
– Paige (@PeachCoffin) March 8, 2015
The 5th Ninja Turtle, DiGiorno, was so introverted he stayed home and made his own pizza.
– The Cat Whisperer (@TheCatWhisprer) February 15, 2015
Radiohead's album ok computer explores the controversial idea that it's ok to be on the computer
– Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) March 7, 2015
If someone likes all your Instagram posts it is exactly the same as having a deep conversation and means you are in a relationship.
– Bez (@Bez) March 8, 2015
More funny tweets can be found right here.