Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Parenting is basically just seeing how many things you can carry at one time, while you walk from the car to the house.
– Court (@Discourt) May 3, 2015
I’m at the dr pic.twitter.com/Tx1jyPB2nr
– REAL NEWS (@MarloMeekins) April 28, 2015
On tinder, you will sometimes come across a teaching opportunity. pic.twitter.com/mSmQ5Nj59Z
– jvk (@Jade_VK) April 10, 2015
“Will he ever wake up?” He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull* *patient wakes up to turn off the music*
– ㅤㅤㅤ (@matt___nelson) April 19, 2015
What’s your favorite thing about websites? I like getting mad
– Musky Lozenge™ (@LostCatDog) April 27, 2015
shoutout to people who have never used the word “chapter” to describe their life
– j e s s (@eye_like_sharx) May 1, 2015
Give a man a milkshake and you bring him to the yard, teach a man to milkshake and be like I could teach you but I have to charge
– Paige (@PeachCoffin) April 24, 2015
today marks 7 years since bruno mars was surprised to see pete wentz pic.twitter.com/5vo7ASSXLb
– fern (@crashedthegates) April 29, 2015
So how long have you been murdering girls and burying their bodies under your house, people with clean car cup holders?
– Anna Lore (@anna_train) April 23, 2015
*talking into the phone, loudly enough that I know those ladies can hear me* WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.
– Jamie (from before) (@Jamie1947) May 1, 2015
It’s a good idea to say “I know you can talk” to every animal you meet, just in case.
– mindflakes (@_mindflakes) March 13, 2015
I hate admitting that I need help from others that’s why I say THANSK YOU instead of THANK YOU. If you say it incorrectly it doesn’t count
– Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) April 30, 2015
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book] STRANGER: a stunning genius
– tara shoe (@tarashoe) April 28, 2015
With this Google search I have accidentally coined the all-time worst font name pic.twitter.com/1fjEnelR3y
– DC Pierson (@DCpierson) May 2, 2015
As you get older, it becomes more and more unacceptable to cry and scream in public, despite the reasons for it becoming more & more valid.
– Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 14, 2015
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
– Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 3, 2015
Wife: you were disqualified because it was a karate tournament for kids … … were you even listening when I said I almost came in 3rd?
– PaperWash© (@PaperWash) April 30, 2015
*pounding on door* OPEN UP IT’S THE POLICE “Oh yeah? Prove it!” *opening notes of Message in a Bottle come from other side of the door*
– Ruin My Week (@RuinMyWeek) April 28, 2015
[Batman at McDonald’s] What’s your chicken sandwich called? -A McChicken And the rib? -A McRib [pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
– Twitnter Is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 1, 2015
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for pic.twitter.com/LPslZ4Sg45
– ♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) May 1, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.