Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Did you know a pint of blood weighs a pound? Anyway, I just lorst fibve pouumds
– Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) May 8, 2015
[First day of Chem 101] Ok students lets do some chemistry! *chugs chemicals* *lights self on fire* Actual prof walking in: not u again
– Pastor (@PastorBate) January 16, 2015
mothers day is a ploy by the mom industry so you buy more moms. i have dozens of moms i don’t need. 5 lindas, a couple alices, a stupid pam
– Eli Terry (@EliTerry) May 10, 2015
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
– Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 8, 2015
Why do porn sites ask if I want to connect with Google +? I don’t want anyone to know I use Google +
– Yael (@elle91) May 8, 2015
I don’t watch porn, because I like to leave stuff to my imagination. I have a book of erotica that’s just one page that says “a hot person”
– Adina Sunny (@AdinaSunny) April 16, 2015
My nickname in highschool was “funyun” because I was round and easily broken
– Dominic Russo (@Dfr247) April 9, 2015
How I significantly improved my Netflix pic.twitter.com/8EMjBI3PM1
– shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) May 6, 2015
Growing up everyone said I couldn’t be a cowboy when I got older but here I am sleeping outside with a gun
– Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 3, 2015
[inventing the parrot] HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
– jvk (@Jade_VK) February 18, 2015
I like my coffee like I like my men *pours coffee down drain, turns on garbage disposal, makes tea*
– Paige (@PeachCoffin) May 10, 2015
I’m an optimistic hypochondriac. Anytime something goes wrong in life I think “Well…at least I probably have cancer.”
– Dustin (@DustinAHarkins) March 31, 2015
[Me auditioning for a Viagra ad] Damn tinkering on this classic car makes me wanna shove my soft dick into something
– Musky Lozenge™ (@LostCatDog) April 25, 2015
me: what time is it? tour guide: 4:20 me: how can you tell? tour guide: See how high the sun is? [sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
– Slam Squat-Thrust (@Gre_Gone) April 13, 2015
ME: you know what they say, measure once, cut twice WIFE: that’s not right. What did you just build? *kids fall out of treehouse*
– Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) May 4, 2015
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
– Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) May 9, 2015
maintenance guy: who put their shirt in the toilet? me (shirtless): idk who it was but they prolly panicked after realizin there was no tp
– skza (@SaulKewl) April 21, 2015
We’re gonna go ahead and keep calling them “seagulls,” even though “beach chickens” sounds better
– refriend beans (@pharmasean) April 23, 2015
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight” Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat- Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
– [⋅.⋅ ] ( °_°) (@sleepwalkingdog) May 3, 2015
DAD: dinner’s ready KID: tf is this D: i call it ‘pork sushi’ K: its just a cold hotdog D: the microwave’s broken K: i wish mom had custody
– very nice kyle (@hippieswordfish) May 1, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.